The Journey of Grief

/ Linda DeLay Wallace / Leave a comment
A smiling man holding a baby dressed in a green frog costume. The baby appears to be a toddler with a playful expression. The background is dark, suggesting an evening setting.

Today marks seventeen years since my husband’s death. My mother’s death was exactly ten years after my husband. Both were traumatic deaths—my 58-year-old husband to a sudden heart attack; and my 85-year-old energetic mother to an accident which caused a brain bleed.

Even as a Christian with a firm assurance of my husband’s and mom’s joy of heaven, I often found this journey hard. Occasionally I still do. Holidays, anniversaries, birthdays—all of them are marked by memories of what was. All the shared plans and dreams disappeared in a flash, and it took time to embrace new ones.

So many of us grieved both of those deaths. No matter how prepared you are for death, it sneaks up on you with a force that takes your breath away. It changes who you are in sometimes visible and often subtle ways that no one else experiences. Everyone travels their own path with grief.

Grief is a journey of ups and downs, hitting unexpectedly at times. But there is hope. During this journey through grief, I have learned some things. Not easily, and not always without looking back with longing as God led me through new paths. Here are some of the things I have learned. I am not going to go into details after each point, because honestly, this post would be WAY too long! So here we go . . .

—God is my rock and my fortress

Losing my husband and a few years later my mother, was hard. I am not trying sugarcoat the pain of loss. Making the choice to lean on the Lord for comfort and strength was not optional for me. I had walked with him most of my life and he had never abandoned me. Two of the verses I repeated were “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Ps 34:18, and “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” Ps. 46:1

  • Never underestimate a strong support system

I always count myself blessed to have family and friends who were supportive, loving, and kind during my loss. While I was in a haze of grief, they stepped up and helped in multiple ways. I am blessed to still have a very strong support system between family, church family, friends, and neighbors.

  • Don’t stay stuck in the past – you do have a future

It is easy to look back and grieve that past life. But I learned that God still has blessings for me. The Israelites looked back after they left Egypt, but God encouraged them to look forward. “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:18-19 (ESV)

  • Grief still strikes at odd times

Sometimes grief will rise when least expected. It has been years since both my husband and my mom have passed. I will see someone planting a garden and get a pang of hurt that my husband cannot do that. Or I will pass a garage sale and miss my mom—she was the garage sale queen. It is fleeting usually, a reminder of loss, but a memory of joy.

  • I can enjoy life without guilt
An elderly woman in a dark sweater with a decorative design, standing next to a middle-aged woman wearing a colorful patterned blouse, both smiling in front of a brick wall with various decorations.

It felt strange to laugh and find joy after my loved one’s deaths. But I eventually got better at it. It helped when I reminded myself that Tom would especially find reasons to laugh and my mom found joy being around her family. Joy is a gift from God.

There are more things I have learned but that is for another day. The best thing I learned is that with the help of God I could survive. The loss doesn’t necessarily go away and I didn’t get over it,” but I have adapted and learned to navigate the grief. I am grateful for their footprints in my life and yeah, it would be better if they were here. But the journey has provided healing and hope for a great reunion in heaven.

The Real Deal

/ Linda DeLay Wallace / Leave a comment

Today, people are talking about the death of Dolly Parton and her impact on the world around us. There is no getting around it–she was the whole package. Someone who was a wonderful songwriter, a poet, a singer, an actor, and full of faith. She made the world better just by being in it!

But today, I want to honor another woman who passed from this life into eternal life on the same day. She had a great influence on everyone who came within her realm. There are not enough words for me to explain the example she was to me and many others. I met her at church shortly before my husband and I married. She quickly took me under her wings like she did for so many of the younger women in our church. She was certainly a mentor to many of us. She was one of the kindest and wisest women I have had the privilege of knowing.

She was famous in our circles for her hospitality. Her home was always open, and the kitchen was always busy. She made a peach cobbler that was one of the most popular desserts at the many potlucks our church had. She hosted Bible studies and home teams up until a year before her health became challenging.

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History Matters

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This past week my brother came to visit when he was in town for a conference. I worked during the day while he was at the conference. The two evenings he was here, he had already gone to dinner with colleagues, and when he arrived at my home we relaxed and visited. It was good to catch up with him since he lives three states away.

Then Friday night I made the 2 ½ hour drive “home” and had dinner with some of my cousins. One of my sisters coordinates this frequently, and I am usually unable to attend. So, it was nice to sit next to a cousin I do not see very much and just catch up on our lives. Since the last time I attended one of these gatherings, we have lost two of my cousins, so it was good to be there.

The next morning my sisters and I had brunch. One of my sisters had brought two tin picnic baskets of my mom’s. They were full of newspaper clippings and articles dating back to the early 1900s. We enjoyed sorting through them and speculating if they were worth anything. Some were, but most weren’t. But the history that was documented in these articles was certainly noteworthy.

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The Snow Globe

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Each January a small group of friends and I attend what we call the Ozarks Write and Create Retreat. I love this time because it allows me to focus on writing, meditating, and praying, without the interruptions I would have at home. I am easily distracted and being the only extrovert in the group is sometimes challenging. Where I get my energy from being around people, the introverts love time to just withdraw and write or create. (Just a side note–our super creative one teaches quilting classes, and she frequently makes samples for her classes. Her work is amazing! She also makes her own greeting cards, and they are so much better than what can be bought in the store.)

We usually book our retreat for January because schedules are less hectic. It doesn’t hurt that prices are cheaper than peak season. Invariably, we get snow fall each year and this year was no exception.

As I was doing my morning Bible reading, I gazed out the window to see sunshine, and the snow softly blowing shimmered like shiny crystals in the sky.  I love the word scintillating, and indeed, what I was watching was just that. In the background above the lake a fog was softly rising into the mountains. The whole scene felt like we were wrapped in a snow globe. I just sat and watched, taking in the scene and thinking how wonderful God is to give us moments like this.

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All Fall Down

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While I do not see children playing this game now, when I was a child we played Ring Around the Rosie. The poem went like this: “Ring around the rosies; Pockets full of posies; Ashes, ashes, all fall down!”

When we got to the end, we would all fall down on the ground and then get up laughing. While some attribute this to a macabre ritual from the Bubonic plague days, in actuality there is evidence that it dates back to more playful origins in Europe. Needless to say, when we recited this as children we were not thinking about any plagues!

I have taken a lot of falls in my life–both figuratively and literally. There have been sprained ankles, broken elbows, paint chips embedded in my forehead when I fell and hit the corner of a wall, and more. But the falls that you cannot see are probably the ones that have left the most marks on me. The failure to meet someone’s expectations, the breaking of a promise, the crashing of a ministry I loved, and more, litter my life. Some of the falls were a result of my own carelessness and others were things out of my control.

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Beckoning Me

/ Linda DeLay Wallace / Leave a comment

It sat on my kitchen table. All alone. With only a pen and highlighter to keep it company. You see, I had gotten away from using it every day. Distractions. Busyness. Neglect kept me company even as I glanced at what was beckoning me with every look, every glance, as I passed that way.

Then I found that I could no longer ignore it. As I walked by, I almost physically heard it calling to me.; bidding me to just take that step and open it.

Finally, one day I sat down and it felt like I was spending time with an old friend. Strength and wisdom flowed. Encouragement and admonishment both spoke to me as I continued to peruse the pages. And each time I listened to its beckoning it satisfied me down to my very soul.

You see, I had let myself get away from daily time spent in God’s Word. Oh, I was still going to church, still participating in my small group, but I had neglected to really seek out the word of God on a daily basis. It had become a hit or miss time in my day.

Have you been there? Has it become easy to let the habit of studying God’s word drift away? I allowed myself to become distracted by the busyness of life and the siren call of social media–too distracted.

But what I have found since I have been back to opening my Bible every day and studying through the book of Psalms, is God has been speaking to me more. He whispers his love and encouragement into my life more. He helps me praise him more, seek him more, petition him more, and be thankful to him more. Those were all the things I neglected along with neglecting to spend that quiet time with him.

I am glad he beckoned me, almost cajoled me, to stop walking by and listen to his call.

What about you? Are you spending your day setting aside time to immerse yourself in his word? Or are you just walking by when he beckons you? Are you ignoring the good things he has in store for you?

I am beckoning you, with an outstretched arm and an earnest look, to hear the call. Stop the busyness. Stop the excuses. Just listen to the call and open the Word of God.

Psalm 119:130 “Understanding your word brings light to the minds of ordinary people.” (CEV)

Hebrews 4:12 “God’s word is alive and powerful! It is sharper than any double-edged sword. His word can cut through our spirits and souls and through our joints and marrow, until it discovers the desires and thoughts of our hearts.” (CEV)

Food and Friendships

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In the past few weeks I have had meals with some of my closest friends, some of my long-time see-you-every-once-in-a-while friends, family, and church friends. There is something about gathering over food that develops into more than eating–it becomes a way to connect with people and share life with them.

In all honesty, it doesn’t matter if we are eating hot dogs and beans at home, or a great steak in a restaurant; the important thing is we are sharing together. We have discussed families, memories, good times and hard times. Some of us have hit upon those dreaded topics of politics and religion–civilly, even when we may disagree. We laugh together, cry together, rehash stories we have told over and over again through the years, and just share. With many of my friends, we talk about Jesus.

Jesus shared meals with people, and in doing so we see some more facets of who Jesus is. In Luke 19, he told (didn’t really ask) Zacchaeus that he was going to his home. The fact that he went to the home of a tax collector was not unnoted. I am sure people who knew Jesus were astounded that he would have anything to do with a Zacchaeus (but maybe not his disciple, Levi).

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The Christmas Cactus

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My mom had a Christmas Cactus that was prolific when she was alive. After her death, my sister inherited it. And goodness, that plant  has continued to thrive. She has given so many people a start from it. I have one and I have started at least five more from what I have. This cactus, with lots of love and care, has thrived and multiplied many times over the years.

However, I noticed that my plant was starting to look a little peaked and not as healthy as it was. My sister suggested that it was probably root bound and needed to be transplanted to a larger pot. She noted that I would need to take it out, gently shake off as much dirt as possible, and lightly trim the roots before repotting. I would need the proper drainage, so I needed sand in the bottom of the pot and cactus soil over that.

As I was in the process of trimming and repotting, I thought about how similar this was to the way the Lord works in our lives. Occasionally in our Christian walk we grow peaked. We are not thriving, growing, and multiplying.

Sometimes God needs to repot us by shaking up our environment, cleaning our roots, and depositing us in a place where we will thrive and grow. The process may be a little different for each of us, but the fact is God is a master gardener and knows exactly what we need to become the healthiest person we can be.

John 15:1-4: “I am the real vine, and my Father is the gardener. He breaks off every branch in me that does not bear fruit, and he prunes every branch that does bear fruit, so that it will be clean and bear more fruit. You have been made clean already by the teaching I have given you.Remain united to me, and I will remain united to you. A branch cannot bear fruit by itself; it can do so only if it remains in the vine. In the same way you cannot bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine, and you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will bear much fruit; for you can do nothing without me.” (GNT)

Modern Day Dilemmas

/ Linda DeLay Wallace / Leave a comment

Recently, I experienced a full two days of not having internet access at my home. It was an interesting time to say the least. It is hard to realize how dependent we have become on technology, until we no longer have it! No internet meant no computer internet access, no Alexa, no television streaming, no telling my RoboVac Bradley to clean.

It is kind of sad that I have become so used to these amenities that I no longer appreciate them like I should. I take them for granted and when they disappear I am made acutely aware of how heavily I rely on my modern day conveniences. Luckily, I enjoy reading or doing crafts so while I was home I did that. But I did miss my internet access.

Photo by bruce mars on Unsplash

It would seem that while technology is great for us, in becoming dependent on it we have lost some very precious gifts. I only need to look around at an event or in a restaurant and I see people constantly looking at their phones. Research has shown that excessive screen time creates additional anxiety and depression, interferes with our social skills, and disturbs our sleep patterns–just for starters. For teens, cell phone usage becomes a minefield, especially if the teen is portrayed negatively by peers on Instagram, TikTok, and SnapChat. Suicide rates have rocketed and I believe some of that can be attributed to cell phone usage without being judicious about what you are reading.

In the past, societies built relationships with one another by spending time together, working alongside of each other, and having immediate and extended families in a somewhat close proximity. Today when I watch families together, many of them are sitting in the restaurant with their phones out. Instead of talking with one another across the table, they frequently text instead. I confess it is refreshing when I see a family who has their cell phones put away during a meal together (including Mom and Dad!).

So as Christians how does this impact the church? It is great being able to use technology to communicate with church members and visitors alike. There is no doubt that during the Covid epidemic, churches keeping in touch by using technology and streaming their services live, was a huge blessing. Unfortunately many churches never reached their pre-covid attendance when things started going back to normal (whatever normal is!). Luckily my church not only did that, but we also have been having a very healthy church growth spurt.

The fact that we are raising generations to depend on technology is kind of frightening. Many newer homes are built as “smart” homes, with locks that are voice activated, and lights that come on automatically when programmed. Even stoves and ovens can be programmed with cook times and temperatures now.

But this is the thing. God made us to be relational people. He created Adam in order to have a relationship with him and then created Eve so that Adam would have companionship. Mankind has been shown to be relational through the generations. Sometimes those relations have been good, and occasionally bad once sin entered the world, but the fact is they are important.

It amazes me for all the technology in the world, you still have to be connected to something that drives the technology in order to communicate via cell phone, computer, or tablet. There must be a power source.

It just reminds me that our power source is God. By his death, Jesus tore the veil of the temple and became our high priest. He made it possible for us to come into the presence of God through our worship, prayer, and praise. We can be connected to God by prayer, not by anything electronic, but by the power of God’s Holy Spirit.

So when I am surrounded by people who are attached to the phones like it is another appendage, I am grateful that I have a relationship that is not dependent upon technology, but rather upon truly fostering one-on-one relationships, and most of all, a relationship with God.