Today marks seventeen years since my husband’s death. My mother’s death was exactly ten years after my husband. Both were traumatic deaths—my 58-year-old husband to a sudden heart attack; and my 85-year-old energetic mother to an accident which caused a brain bleed.
Even as a Christian with a firm assurance of my husband’s and mom’s joy of heaven, I often found this journey hard. Occasionally I still do. Holidays, anniversaries, birthdays—all of them are marked by memories of what was. All the shared plans and dreams disappeared in a flash, and it took time to embrace new ones.
So many of us grieved both of those deaths. No matter how prepared you are for death, it sneaks up on you with a force that takes your breath away. It changes who you are in sometimes visible and often subtle ways that no one else experiences. Everyone travels their own path with grief.
Grief is a journey of ups and downs, hitting unexpectedly at times. But there is hope. During this journey through grief, I have learned some things. Not easily, and not always without looking back with longing as God led me through new paths. Here are some of the things I have learned. I am not going to go into details after each point, because honestly, this post would be WAY too long! So here we go . . .
—God is my rock and my fortress
Losing my husband and a few years later my mother, was hard. I am not trying sugarcoat the pain of loss. Making the choice to lean on the Lord for comfort and strength was not optional for me. I had walked with him most of my life and he had never abandoned me. Two of the verses I repeated were “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Ps 34:18, and “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” Ps. 46:1
- Never underestimate a strong support system
I always count myself blessed to have family and friends who were supportive, loving, and kind during my loss. While I was in a haze of grief, they stepped up and helped in multiple ways. I am blessed to still have a very strong support system between family, church family, friends, and neighbors.
- Don’t stay stuck in the past – you do have a future
It is easy to look back and grieve that past life. But I learned that God still has blessings for me. The Israelites looked back after they left Egypt, but God encouraged them to look forward. “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:18-19 (ESV)
- Grief still strikes at odd times
Sometimes grief will rise when least expected. It has been years since both my husband and my mom have passed. I will see someone planting a garden and get a pang of hurt that my husband cannot do that. Or I will pass a garage sale and miss my mom—she was the garage sale queen. It is fleeting usually, a reminder of loss, but a memory of joy.
- I can enjoy life without guilt
It felt strange to laugh and find joy after my loved one’s deaths. But I eventually got better at it. It helped when I reminded myself that Tom would especially find reasons to laugh and my mom found joy being around her family. Joy is a gift from God.
There are more things I have learned but that is for another day. The best thing I learned is that with the help of God I could survive. The loss doesn’t necessarily go away and I didn’t get over it,” but I have adapted and learned to navigate the grief. I am grateful for their footprints in my life and yeah, it would be better if they were here. But the journey has provided healing and hope for a great reunion in heaven.
